this is my pretend friend
treat him with kindness
take her wherever i go
just so there's someone i know

he's made of plastic
so she won't talk back
he is a good friend
because she's pretend
pretend

this is my pretend friend
she is my witness
he's filled her head the facts of my unspeakable acts
he'll talk for hours she never sours
he is a good friend she doesn't offend

o-offend doesn't offend
this is my pretend friend
she fakes it so well
i fuck him every night and brag about it
but then it's quite true that i don't like you

you are a good friend because you are pretend
pretend (x4)