if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight
you've got all the makings
of my future ex-wife
i've got 3 bucks
my credit sucks
and my future don't look to bright
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight

some call me a loser
and a lazy no good slob
i've lost my house
i've got no car
i cant keep a job
but i've got a big heart
and another part
take me home, you'll understand
because my genitalia looks like a pringles can

if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight
when i pull my pants down
hey you won't believe i'm white
it's been said that i'm Mr. Ed
but don't worry, I won't bite
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight

some call me dishonest
and they say i'm just lyin'
but i peed next to ol' John Holmes and
he started cryin'
on a sunny day i've got it made
get under my wiener if you need shade
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight